A Little Pity Party…

Yesterday, I had a little pity party before I got ready for bed.  It was almost 9 pm on a Saturday night and instead of going out to meet my girls for dinner, movie night, or meeting my sweetheart for date night or cuddling on the couch watching a movie, I was calling it a night.  Never had I expected this for this phase of my life.  If it were up to me I would’ve been married, with 2.5 kids living in a house with a white picket fence.  Instead, life had other plans for me…or I didn’t listen to my gut and instead decided to follow my heart.  That led me so wrong…

This is probably my most vulnerable post to date.  However, I’m being obedient and beginning to share my story.  This is my story from my point of view.  It is not pretty and from my perspective.  I cannot share from the other party’s perspective but I honestly don’t care how he feels about MY story.

I am proud of the woman that I am and who I have become throughout this process.  I realize that I made him an idol, one of my best friends and the first person whom I shared my wins/losses with, and to find out that I was an option was extremely painful.  I’ve never been engaged, or married and here I am something I’ve never desired to be…a single mom of 2.

Seeing the truth for what it was…hearing all the “I told you so’s” from those close to me who supported me during my “crazy in love” phase.  Grieving the life I imagined and never would have.  Realizing the truth as it smacked me in the face while I was holding our 9-month-old son.  I have to do this all over again…by myself??

He knew his situation.  He knew he was married.  He knew he had multiple others.  Here I am, my choice was taken away and now I am left to live with the results of the choice that I made to stay and ignore the signs.  I literally was shown that he was not the one for me, now was not the time, and that he wasn’t ready.  But he said one thing, my heart felt another thing and even though I did not get all that I wanted and needed in the relationship, I settled.  I did not want to have children with multiple fathers.

Now look at me…a single mom of 2.  I thank God for the grace that he has given me to endure this phase of my life.  I am thankful for my line sisters who let me cry, cheered me up, built me up, and didn’t let me stay down.  I am thankful for the She Prays group who prayed for me, helped me to heal through deliverance, and taught me to forgive myself.  They helped me to hear God through everything and discover and develop my spiritual gifts.  Without the support of these women, I don’t know where I would be.  I’m grateful to have had them during this phase of my life.

I am ready for love from a man that loves Christ, knows how to pray, and will seek diligently after God’s own heart as he leads our family.  He will love me like the Queen that I am and will recognize and treat me as such.  He will love my sons as his own and provide a Godly example for them to follow.  I will do the same if he has any children.  We will create a beautiful life for ourselves as we enter the best years of our life.